


Let Me Go

by LadyFogg



Series: Angel with a Shotgun [14]
Category: Constantine (TV), Hellblazer
Genre: Angst, F/M, Hospitals, Language, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-27
Updated: 2016-04-27
Packaged: 2018-06-04 18:50:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,773
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6670630
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyFogg/pseuds/LadyFogg
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Still recovering from the events with the Resurrection Crusade, you’re hospital bound for several days. John is noticeably absent and you can’t help but feel there’s something wrong. When you’re finally released, he explains what he’s been going through the last few months, and you’re forced to make the hardest decision of your life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Let Me Go

**Author's Note:**

> Fic Song: https://play.spotify.com/track/73OJc5VOPKdBMtI8g4eeHe

The ambulance arrives shortly after you and John share your moment alone. 

John remains at your side even as they load you into the back. While your anxiety is still high, you know that you and Mercury need to be examined. So you don’t put up a fight and agree to be taken to the nearest hospital. 

The others agree to meet you there. You barely get a chance to thank them before the EMT is slamming the doors shut. Snug and warm on top of your chest, Mercury begins to bob her head around, mouth searching for nourishment. You cradle her to your chest, where she makes a few adorable snorting noises before latching onto your breast. Next to you, John is silent the entire time. He sits with his elbows rested on his knees, hands clasped tightly together as he stares intensely at the baby in your arms. There are so many things you want to say to him, but they’ll have to wait until you’re alone.

Once you get to the hospital, there are two nurses waiting with a wheelchair. Their smiles are warm and inviting. You find yourself relaxing as they help you into the chair. They don’t try to make small talk, which you appreciate. They bring you to the relatively quiet maternity ward. John silently trails behind, looking like he wants to run. 

“Would it be okay if we examined her?” one of the nurses politely asks.

Your anxiety spikes dangerously, but John lays his hand on your shoulder. “I’ll go with them, love,” he says. “Don’t worry.” You take a deep breath and nod.

“Are you the lucky father?” the nurse asks as she carefully takes the baby from you. It takes all your willpower not to hyperventilate. 

John looks a little green, and you’re sure he’s not going to answer. But he does. “Yeah. Yeah, she’s mine.”

“Well, we’ll take good care of her,” the nurse assures you. “If Dad wants to follow me, we’ll get this little lady checked out.”

“And we’ll get mom checked as well,” the nurse pushing you says. She turns you towards your room, wheeling you away. You crane your neck around to watch John and the nurse walk in the opposite direction. You don’t relax until you see Zed following them. She shoots you a reassuring smile.

Your room is large and inviting with a large window. Basically the opposite of where you were kept before. After she helps you into bed, the nurse hooks you up to monitors. You stare at the door as she examines you, waiting for John to bring Mercury back. 

“Good news is you didn't tear,” the nurse announces. She lays a large pad in a pair of shorts and helps you slide them on. Next, she places the ice pack between your legs. It feels amazing and you can’t help but sigh happily. 

“Thanks,” you say. 

“You’re very welcome,” she says with a smile. She starts to press on your stomach, feeling around to make sure everything is in its place. “How you were able to give birth without meds is beyond me.”

“Trust me, would not have been my first choice,” you say. 

There’s a knock on the door, just as the nurse tucks the blanket in around you. Sitting up expectantly, you call for the person to come in. You hope it's John with Merc, but it’s Chas, Renee, Anne Marie and Ritchie. The nurse excuses herself and John’s friends pile into your room. 

“Hey,” you say with a smile. “Now that I’m not pushing a kid out, I can properly say ‘thank you, guys’.”

Anne Marie is all smiles as she comes to stand by your bedside. “You were magnificent,” she gushes. “And she is such a little beauty. Congratulations.” She swoops in for a hug which takes you aback. You’re not used to people wanting to actually hug you. 

“You are so strong,” Renee adds. “Also, I’ve never seen John follow orders so quickly. You have a gift.”

That makes you chuckle. You suspect the only reason John listened to you is because he was fucking terrified that you would give birth right there onto his shoes. 

“Lola, I want you to know that the FBI has been notified about the cult,” Ritchie says. “And I’m going to do everything in my power to make sure everyone who was a part of this gets their justice. If they’re online somewhere, I’ll find them.”

“Thank you, Ritchie, I appreciate that,” you say. “I was just going to burn the place down once I got out of here. Your plan works too.”

“Definitely John’s type,” you hear him mumble to Chas as the larger man steps forward. 

“Where’s John?” Chas asks.

“He went with Mercury to the nursery,” you tell him, settling against your pillows. “Actually, do you mind--?”

“Say no more,” Chas says. “I’ll check on them.”

“I’ll come with you,” Ritchie says. “Never got a chance to see the little lady.”

“I’m up for seeing her more,” Anne Marie says excitedly, following them. “Also I have a few choice words for John.”

“I’ll keep you company,” Renee offers. The others leave while she takes one of the empty chairs next to you. “It’s nice to finally meet you. I’ve heard many interesting stories.”

“All true,” you say. “Especially all the sexy awesome stuff.”

Renee chuckles. “You’re funnier than he let on,” she says. “I can’t imagine what you must be feeling.”

“How’s John?” you ask. “I’ve been so worried about him.”

Something in the look she’s giving you makes you nervous. She avoids your gaze and fidgets in her chair. “John is okay,” she says.

Clearly she's lying. But you don't want to start anything. You're too tired. “How did he react when he found out?” you ask, wincing when you try to adjust yourself into a more comfortable position. 

Renee relaxes and lets out a small laugh. “He ran out of the clinic and threw up.”

“Yeah, sounds about right.”

Awkward silence falls over you two, but you’re saved when the door opens. Chas reappears, pushing in a crib with Mercury bundled inside. Seeing her instantly makes you smile.

“That was quick,” you say.

“Look who I found,” he says, beaming. There’s something off about his smile however. It almost seems forced. 

Your smile fades when John is noticeably not with them. Chas wheels Mercury’s crib to your bed. Now that she's close, you can see her name tag on the side. A name tag that shows your last name. Not John's.

Chas sees your expression and follows your line of sight. “He thought it'd be safer,” he explains. “Considering what happened to you when you used his last name.”

You can't fault him for that. It still hurts, making you feel like he doesn't want to claim her.

“Where is he?” Renee demands. “He should be here.”

“Renee…” Chas begins. 

“No, Francis,” Renee cuts him off. “He needs to be with his daughter and the mother of his child.”

“It’s fine, Renee,” you say. “I just need my baby.”

Chas carefully lifts Mercury out. She’s asleep when he lays her in your arms. Already you see her striking resemblance to her father. 

Chas removes his hat and pulls over another chair to sit on the side opposite Renee. “Can we get you anything?”

Reunited with your child, you let out a relaxed breath. “No, I’m okay,” you assure him. “Now, you wanna tell me what’s going on with him?”

“I don’t know--”

“Chas, please,” you say, giving him a look. “Don’t insult my intelligence. It’s not just Merc, though I’m sure that is a large part. Something is wrong. I know it.”

Chas sighs heavily, “That’s for John to tell you, not me,” he says. 

“Well, I’ll be sure to ask him when he decides to actually come back,” you say. 

The three of you fall into awkward silence after that. Chas and Renee don’t remain for too long. After you feed Merc again, and get some food yourself, you urge them to go home. You would think you would want to be around people considering your time in isolation. But the only people you want to be around are your daughter and her father. And right now you only have the one option. 

Once they leave, you carefully place Merc in her crib. 

There’s a flapping noise behind you, but you don’t bother turning around. “Do you know what’s going on with him?” 

Zed comes to stand at your side. “Yes,” she says. “But if you want me to tell you, I can’t.”

“I don’t want you to tell me,” you say, placing your hand on your daughter. It’s still hard for you to wrap your head around the fact that she’s real. She’s actually here with you, alive. It’s amazing and terrifying at the same time. “I want him to tell me. Has he held her yet?”

Zed shakes her head, “No,” she says. “But not because he didn’t want to.”

Your body is still in pain so you carefully climb back into bed. “You know, Heaven really provides the PG version of childbirth,” you say as you watch Zed smiling down at Merc. 

She chuckles. “You’re not wrong,” she admits. “But are you honestly going to tell me that it wasn’t worth it to bring her into this world?”

“Is it her?” you ask. The question has been weighing on you since you found out you were pregnant. “Is she the same soul?”

Zed reaches out to stroke the sleeping baby’s cheek. “More so than most,” she says cryptically. 

You study her through narrowed eyes. “You know,” you accuse. “You know what’s special about her. Don’t you?”

Zed’s smile doesn’t falter when she turns her head to look at you. “When you were pregnant, how were your dreams?” she asks. 

“What do you mean?”

“Did you sense things were going to happen?” Zed asks. “Were there things you just knew, but couldn’t explain?”

You don’t answer. Mainly because if you follow the train of thought she’s leading you on, it arrives at a conclusion you are in no way prepared for. “Forget I asked,” you say. 

Zed nods and pulls away from the crib. “Get some sleep,” she says. “You’ve earned it. I’ll be watching.” Then she’s gone.

You draw your blanket up, wincing as your sore arm throbs painfully. Next to you, Mercury is fast asleep and you watch her, until your eyes drift close. 

Some time later, a thump and a hushed “Bollocks” rouses you out of your light sleep. You squint at the clock on the wall and can barely make out the time: 3:00am.

John is draping his coat over the chair Renee had been sitting in. He pauses when he sees you’re awake. Without a word, you force yourself into a sitting position. John sits on the edge of the bed. You can sense he wants to speak, but doesn’t know what to say. You know this because you’re having the same problem. Nothing seems good enough. There’s so much you want to tell him, but now that you have the opportunity you find yourself speechless. 

John reaches into his pocket and for one wild moment you think he’s pulling out a pack of cigarettes. But he’s not. He holds up a tiny teddy bear. Neither of you move. You’re unsure what the gesture means or what he’s trying to say. Did he feel like he had to get you something? Was it a truce? Goddamn you wish you had the connection so you could just know. 

John gives you a hesitant smile and lightly bops you on the nose with the bear. That breaks the tension. 

You return the smile with one of your own. Still groggy from sleep, you take the teddy bear and lean over to place it in the crib with Mercury. When you turn to look at him, his hand cups the back of your neck, drawing you into a kiss. 

You cling to him tightly, relishing the feeling of his mouth against yours. This is a good sign. Kissing and touching you means something, though you have no idea what. When you pull away to catch your breath, he doesn’t let you get far. He peppers a few smaller kisses on your lips while trying to catch his breath. 

“Where were you?” you can’t help but ask. 

John nuzzles your cheek. “Making sure we weren’t followed,” he explains. “Putting a cloaking spell on the both of you. Getting supplies. But mostly just being a bloody coward.”

You chuckle. “What else is new?”

John ducks his head in shame, burying his face in your neck. “I’m sorry.”

“Apology accepted.” You force him to look at you, stroking his cheek to let him know you understand. 

John reaches out to touch the bandage on your arm. “So that’s how I was able to scry for you,” he comments. When you nod, he studies you carefully. “Are you okay?”

Pft, of course you’re not okay. But it’s late, and you don’t have the energy to list all the reasons why you want to scream and cry. Instead, you place your hand under his chin to bring him into another kiss. His lips are soft and hesitant at first, almost as if he doesn’t know what you’re looking for. You deepen the kiss, tongue searching his desperately. You haven’t kissed him in months and you’re starved for the taste. 

He groans softly, pressing forward until you’re laying back and he’s hovering over you. He’s kissing you just as fiercely, his teeth hitting yours in his urgency. 

Mercury starts to whine and that brings you crashing to reality. John jerks away, remembering where you are. You place a hand on his chest and gently push him back so you can sit up. 

John looks over worriedly at the crib. “What’s wrong?” he asks. 

“Well, at this age it can be one of three things: she’s hungry, she has a dirty diaper or she has gas,” you say. You make a move to get up, before you remember the question you asked Zed. You glance at John. “Do you want to hold her? I know you haven’t had a chance to yet.”

Looking between you and the baby, John’s eyes are wide and filled with a mixture of terror and longing. It takes a few seconds before he nods and climbs off the bed. Cautiously, he leans over the crib and slides his hands under Mercury. You watch with a smile as he lifts her up and cradles her in his arms. She makes a couple more noises before falling silent. She’s watching him, you realize. Her eyes are open and she’s studying John’s face almost curiously. He looks stiff, like he’s afraid to move.

“We have a lot to talk about,” you remind him. 

John sighs and shuffles back to the bed to sit once more. “Yes, we do,” he agrees. He looks down at Mercury. “But after everything you’ve been through in the last few hours, maybe it’s not the best time.”

Normally you would argue, but he’s right. Right now it’s quiet and there’s just the three of you. Reality is going to smack you in the face at some point. So, you’re more than happy to pretend all your problems are non-existent. At least for a little while. 

You give him a soft smile. “Fine,” you say. “You escape questioning, for now.”

John chuckles and sits holding Merc for some time. She seems content in his arms so you let your eyes drift close, enjoying the moment between you and your new little family. It’s broken a few minutes later when the newborn lets out a sudden cry. You open your eyes in time to see John’s smile turn into a pout. 

“I didn’t do anything!” he insists. 

You laugh softly and sit up. After checking her diaper, you conclude she’s not wet. “She’s probably hungry,” you say, opening the top of your hospital gown. “Here, give her to me.”

John hands her over and you settle her against your chest. “You’re a natural, Lola,” he comments. “Motherhood suits you, love.”

“You forget, I’ve technically done this already,” you say, tucking the blanket under your elbow for support. 

“Trust me, I haven’t forgotten,” he says. He reaches out to place his hand on Mercury’s head. “Did they hurt you?”

“They wouldn’t dare,” you say. “Fey got rough a few times. Apparently he didn’t appreciate me stabbing his followers. Go figure.”

John doesn’t look like he appreciates your joking tone. “I should have found you sooner.”

“John, don’t do that,” you plead. “You’re only going to drive yourself crazy. You found us and we’re safe. That’s all that matters.”

John sighs. “Lola,” he says. “This is…this is so much to take in. I only learned you were pregnant yesterday and now here we are and there’s a baby…” He sounds incredibly overwhelmed and you don’t blame him. He has every right to be. “There’s so much I need to tell you.”

“Later,” you promise. “You were right; we don’t have to talk about it now. We can talk when we get home. Let’s just have this. Let’s just be a family right now. Okay?”

John runs a hand through his messy hair. “Yeah, okay.” He watches you for a bit, a strange look on his face. Eventually his gaze drifts down to Mercury and he studies her carefully. 

You finish feeding Mercury, or more accurately, she passes out. You shift so John can stretch out next to you. With the baby on your chest and your lover’s arm draped across your waist, sleep comes quickly. For the first time in years, you don't have any nightmares. Not a single one. Your sleep is calm and peaceful. However, the next time you wake up, John is gone and you’re alone with Merc once more. 

The hospital keeps you and your baby for three days. Because of your lack of medical attention, you’re under strict observation. Ritchie and Anne Marie visit during the day, and Chas and Renee in the evening. But not John. At least not until everyone leaves. Then he's there for a few hours. But he's always gone before the sun comes up.

Miraculously, you and Merc receive a clean bill of health and are allowed to be discharged. The nurses set up a nice breakfast for you and everything. You’re just finishing eating when, to your surprise, John shows up. 

“Ready to be free of this place?” he asks, coming to stand next to you. He takes a piece of fruit off your plate which makes you roll your eyes.

“Depends,” you say, slowly getting to your feet. “You ready to talk about everything we’ve been ignoring?” Mercury is already in her car seat, sleeping peacefully.

“Not even remotely,” John admits. He reaches out to lift the front of Merc’s hat and a mess of curls fall out. He chuckles. “Just like me, isn’t she?”

“See, you sound proud of that, but it terrifies me,” you tell him, tucking the curls back in. 

“I would be offended, if I didn’t have the same fear,” John says. 

A heaviness fills the room and you have to clear your throat before you can speak. “I have papers for you to look at,” you say, pointing to the folder on your nightstand. 

“What are they?” John asks, walking over to examine them. 

“Paternity and birth certificate forms,” you explain. “I know you gave her my last name to protect her, so if you don’t want to--”

John picks up the pen and signs them without letting you finish. For some reason, the act resonates with you. While her name would no doubt draw attention to her affiliation with him, it seems legally he wants it known that she is his. It makes you smile.

Once he’s done, he puts the pen back down and moves to stand in front of Merc. “Good to go?” he asks. 

You nod, closing your bag. “I guess so.”

Walking is a process for you, so John grabs your bag and the car seat. You don’t say anything as you walk. John seems to be too focused on trying not to jostle Merc too much, while you’re focused on trying to walk like a normal person. Which is difficult since you just gave birth. 

The drive to the MIll house is silent for a bit. John drives while you sit in the back next to the baby. You study her closely, trying to pick out which features are yours and which are John’s. Right now she seems all John, though you suppose her lips could be yours. Hard to tell really since she’s only a few days old. 

“Did Renee and Chas go back home?” you ask when you can’t stand the silence anymore. 

“No, actually,” John says. “They’ll be with us for a few days.”

“Oh, okay, cool,” you say. “And after?”

John doesn’t answer and that doesn’t sit well with you. The rest of the drive is silent. When you get to the Mill house, Chas and Renee are waiting inside. Boxes of baby furniture, clothes, diapers, wipes, and toys litter nearly every surface. 

“Good lord, did someone rob a Babies R’ Us?” you ask as you hobble down the spiral staircase. 

“I don’t know, John, did you?” Chas asks. He comes over to take Mercury from you while Renee offers you her arm so she can help you to the couch. 

“I didn’t rob them,” John assures everyone. “Everything was paid for.”

That’s incredibly sweet of him and makes you smile fondly. “Five years knowing him and he never ceases to surprise me,” you say, easing yourself onto the couch. 

“Like to keep things interesting,” John says sarcastically.

“Well, there’s plenty of food in the refrigerator,” Renee says as Chas places Merc’s car seat in front of you. “Chas, we should give them some space.”

“Right,” Chas agrees. “Call us if you need anything.”

You watch them hurry away. Traitors. They know you and John need to talk and they are refusing to be the buffers. Their departure turns your stomach into a mass of knots, anxiety making you queasy. John stands awkwardly by the stairs for a moment before he walks over to the table and places your bag on it. Next, he shrugs out of his coat. You work on removing Mercury from her car seat. It’s fairly warm next to the fireplace so her jacket comes next. 

“Here,” John says, wheeling over a bassinet. “Wasn’t sure...I mean the salesperson said this was a good one. Chas helped me put it together.” He looks so out of his element, you can’t help but feel sorry for him. 

“It’s great, John,” you assure him. “You didn’t have to go all out.”

“Well, sort of did,” he says, rubbing the back of his neck. “It was the least I could do. I wanted to make sure…” He lets his voice trail off, almost as if he doesn’t want to say what’s really on his mind. 

You realize that he’s nervous. Now that you’re studying him in better lighting, he doesn’t look good. He’s paler than usual. He looks like he could use a few years sleep, and he’s thin. Ridiculously thin. Something is definitely wrong and it’s time to find out what. 

You sigh and lay Merc down before you pat the spot next to you. “Come sit.”

John follows your command, making a noise of pain as he lowers himself down. You want to ask him. But you’re scared of the answer. So you choose not to say anything. John doesn’t speak either. In fact, the both of you stew in uncomfortable silence for a few minutes. 

“Look,” you say, rubbing your tired eyes. “I don’t know what to say, or what you want to do.”

“You don’t need to say anything, love,” John says. “I’m the one who should be talking. I’m sorry for not being in the hospital more. When Mercury was born, I panicked.”

“And I get that, I really do,” you say. “I had a few months to get used to the idea. You didn’t. After Heaven, we both agreed we weren’t going to bring kids into this fucked up world. Obviously fate had other plans.”

“I guess so,” John says, staring at the bassinet. “She’s going to be different.”

You wonder how much he knows about what Merc is going to have to face. You want to ask, but one situation at a time.

“I know,” you say. “We’ll cross that bridge when we get to it. Right now we need to talk about what to do about the First. He’s the reason Fey came after us. He used him to try to get to us and it worked. We need to figure out--”

“Lola,” John interrupts. His tone puts you on guard. “When Chas and Renee leave, you and the baby are going with them.” 

The announcement throws you for a loop. You’re stunned to silence, staring at John with wide eyes and an open mouth. “Excuse me?” you ask eventually. “When was this decided?”

“The day she was born,” John says. 

“Funny, I don’t remember being a part of that conversation,” you say angrily. “Considering me and my daughter were the subjects, I would appreciate a say in the matter.”

“It’s too dangerous to be around me,” John tells you.

“Oh, give me a break, John,” you say. “The world is a dangerous place. We’ve seen it over and over again. Bad shit is all around us, but we’re strong enough to protect her. Distancing yourself from us won’t do you any good.”

“But it will be safer for both of you,” John says. “And right now, that’s all I care about.”

You make a noise of disgust. “That’s it then?” you ask. “After everything that’s happened, you’re just sending us away.”

John sighs and gets to his feet. “You make it sound like this was an easy decision,” he says. 

“Make me feel like it wasn’t,” you demand. “Make me believe this isn't just you being scared. Because right now, that’s exactly what this feels like. You’re scared to allow yourself to be happy and to care for someone, so you’re pushing them away.”

“Of course I’m scared,” John says. “I’m bloody terrified! I learned I was becoming a father, then actually became one, in the span of one day! But that doesn’t mean that’s what this is about.”

“Then explain it to me,” you say. “Because last I checked, you loved me, and I know you want to love her. I see it in your eyes. For some reason, you’re trying not to. And that hurts more than anything.”

“I can’t afford to!” John explodes. “You know what happens if I do.”

“Then you’ll have to tell me that you don’t love me,” you say. “Because if you can’t love her, you certainly can’t love me!”

“Would that make this easier for you?” John snaps. “If I told you that I don’t love you?”

If this is really how he wants to play this, you’re going to call his bluff. You get to your feet, trying not to wince in pain. “Try it and see what happens,” you snarl.

He clenches his jaw, the vein throbbing in his neck. But he doesn’t say anything.

“You can’t, can you?” you demand. “Because we both know it’s bullshit. We shared emotions for almost two years. I know you love me. You’re hiding something.”

“Just tell me what you want from me,” John pleads. “What can I say that will make you accept this?”

“The truth, John,” you say. “Why are you sending us away?”

“Because I’m dying.”

It takes a second for your brain to catch up to what he just said. You stare at him blankly, unable to process the words. When he sees you’re speechless, John sighs heavily. 

“Shortly after you were taken, Chas made me see a doctor for my cough,” he explains. “The same cough you told me to get checked out. So I listened.” 

The air is stolen from your lungs. Hand braced on the armrest, you practically collapse onto the couch. John stops you just in time. He helps you carefully sit before joining you. 

“What did he say?” you whisper.

John takes your hand, fingers lacing through yours. “Lung cancer,” he says in a low voice. “Advanced.”

“How long?”

John looks you in the eye. “He said one or two months, maybe,” he says. “We’re pushing the two month mark now.”

“Okay, well, we’ll call Zed,” you say impatiently brushing away your tears. “She can heal you.”

“No, she can’t,” John says, shaking his head. “The angels have their rules.”

“Then we’ll call Midnite,” you insist. “Get the connection back. He can--”

“Love,” John says, cupping your cheek. “I’ve already tried it all.”

No, you refuse to accept it. “I don’t understand,” you tell him. “We had healing. How can you be this far along?”

“The healing wasn’t perfect, considering we scarred after. I must have had it before,” he says. “Went into remission with the connection. Then, when we lost it…”

That’s what the First meant. When he said you were relying on the magic for the energy, and John was relying on it for healing. He meant the cancer. It’s why he let you go and took the connection. The First knew the cancer would get to John and do the work for him. Fey was supposed to take you out and leave John broken before that. It would have made the suffering worse.

“This can’t be happening,” you gasp, head in your hands and fingers tangled in your hair. 

“All magic has a cost,” John reminds you. “Bringing you back from Heaven was going to have consequences. Midnite warned me. This is the price I have to pay.”

“What? My life for yours? That’s fucking bullshit!” you snap. Despite your body’s protests, you get to your feet. John calls your name, but you’re not done ranting. “This...you want me to take our daughter and leave you to die here, alone? How can you expect me to agree to such a thing?”

“Because you have to,” John urges. He gets to his feet and crosses to you. “When I die--”

“If!”

“When,” John corrects. “The First will come for me. There’s no stopping it. After everything I’ve done against him, he has rights to my soul. You and Mercury need to be as far away as possible. He’s already made you a target. There is no way I want her anywhere near him. If you’re there when I die, he’ll try to make a deal. I know you, love. You’ll take it, without hesitation.”

He’s right. You would. 

You’re torn, but you’re not ready to give up just yet. “John, between the two of us, we can figure out a way to--”

“Lola, stop!” John says sharply. “There is no ‘us’ anymore. There is you and Merc. And then there’s me.”

“You’re wrong, John. It's always been us. It's always been YOU,” you tell him. “After Nyla, I only ever wanted you. Now it's the three of us. John, you're my soulmate and I can't let you go. Not now. Not ever."

He lets out a shaky breath and takes your hands. “I am not strong enough to lose either of you,” he admits. “Too many people have been lost on my account. If you die because of me, again, history repeats itself.”

“What are you talking about?” you ask. 

“My mother died birthing me,” he says. “My father was a right bastard who drank himself stupid because he couldn’t stand to deal with the grief and the constant reminder of why she died.”

“And you think that’ll be you?”

John averts his gaze for a moment. “I’m not cut out for fatherhood, love. You and I both know that.”

“John, you’re not him,” you insist. 

“Doesn’t matter,” John says. “Because I’m removing myself from the equation.” 

Your brain tries to consider the other options you haven’t mentioned, but it starts to become apparent that there aren’t any. It’s with a sinking heart that you realize, this is one argument you cannot win. Once you have that thought, the tears fall fast and you throw yourself at John, sobbing uncontrollably. His arms are tight around you as he holds you close. 

“I’m sorry,” he whispers. “I’m sorry that this is how it has to be. Honestly, she’d be better off without me.”

“No,” you snap, jerking away to give him a firm look. “Don’t think for a second that you are not important to her. You are her father. She deserves to know you. She deserves…” You break off into another sob, but try to hold it in. Hand pressed to your mouth, you push past John to sit back down on the couch. 

Mercury starts to cry. 

You know it’s too soon for a feeding, so you shoot John a look. "Hold her,” you urge. “If I have to leave with her and let you die, then I want to be able to tell her she spent the first few days of her life in her father's arms. I want to be able to tell her you sang to her, that you kissed her, napped with her on your chest...love her, John. Please, just let yourself. Because when she inevitably asks me, I don't want to have to lie."

John’s hands are on his hips as he stares at the floor. While you can’t tear your eyes away from him, he can’t seem to look at you. His jaw is clenched so tight you’re sure his teeth are going to break. He’s shaking, his eyes rimmed with the tears he’s refusing to let fall. 

Mercury cries again, but still neither of you move. Finally, John sniffs loudly, running a hand through his hair before taking a deep breath. He walks over to the bassinet and peers inside. Mercury is squirming, whimpering and crying in the soft way only a newborn can. John seems to steel himself before his face softens and he gently picks her up. 

“Hey there, little one,” he coos softly. “What’s all this noise about, hm?”

While he tries to calm her down, you take a moment to collect yourself. “She might have gas,” you say, wiping your tears on your sleeve. “Here, let me show you how to burp her.”

John carefully sits next to you as you grab the spit up cloth you left in the car seat. He listens patiently as you walk him through the steps. Distracted by the baby, you feel your anger start to fade. There is still plenty of tension, but it dissolves until all that’s left is exhaustion and sadness. 

Merc burps a few times and eventually calms down. She stares at you and John with wide, dark eyes. The room is toasty, so you remove her hat, letting her dirty-blonde curls spill out. They stick up in short tuffs around her head. 

John chuckles. “I think she looks more like you now. I’ve seen your hair that way in the morning,” he teases in a careful tone.

You snort and give him a nudge with your elbow. You rest your chin on John’s shoulder, gazing at the baby on his lap. Your decision is inevitable, if it can even be called a decision. John knows it, and as much as you want to fight it, you know it too. You can’t send Merc away with Chas and Renee. Even if you could emotionally bring yourself to do such a thing, what kind of mother would you be? As much as you love John, you won't risk orphaning your child. Not only that, physically you’re in no shape to defend anyone by yourself. 

“I’ll go,” you say quietly, your arms slipping around John’s waist. 

He doesn’t say anything. He’s busy studying Mercury, but you catch his nod of acknowledgement. Leaning forward, John places a kiss on his daughter’s temple. You hear him whisper something to her, but you don’t ask him what it was. 

You already know. 

John does as you ask. He spends the next few days by Mercury’s side. He holds her, learns to change her diaper, helps you with her bath and naps with her. Everything a new dad can do or anything you need him to do, he takes care of it. It’s all bittersweet in the end, because you know it won’t last. 

At night, once the three of you retire to the bedroom for the evening, he holds you close. And you cry. He doesn’t. Not that you’ve seen, at least. 

The night before you’re due to depart, you climb into bed, your heart heavy with sorrow. John bounces Mercury gently as he tries to get her to fall asleep. You watch them with a sad smile. You’ve already taken a good amount of photos of the two of them, so you just watch. 

“Enjoying the view?” John teases when he catches you staring. 

You smile. “Couldn’t be better.”

John smiles back, placing Merc in her bassinet. She wiggles a bit, but doesn’t cry. John silently walks around to his side of the bed and slides in next to you. He begins to cough and you spring into action, grabbing the water bottle from the nightstand. He takes it graciously and drinks.

You hate this. You hate seeing him in pain and being unable to do anything about it. 

Zed had been of no help. You had summoned her shortly after John told you the news. She only echoed his words: she couldn’t intervene. 

John finishes drinking and places the bottle on the nightstand. When he moves to lay down, you draw him close. His arms come around you. 

“What time do you leave tomorrow?” he asks softly. 

“Early,” you sigh. “I think Chas wants to hit the road before I change my mind.”

John nods, his mouth practically touching yours. So you close the gap, taking the time to give him a leisurely kiss. There hadn’t been a chance to in the last few days, and you’d be damned if you didn’t get one more session in before you're forced to leave. John makes a noise in the back of his throat and kisses you hungrily. He remembers the situation though, and tries to end it quickly. That won’t do for you, so you chase him for more. 

“Easy, love,” John gasps, breaking the kiss. “You’re out of commission. Don’t get yourself worked up.”

“I may be healing, but I can still give you a hand,” you purr, reaching between you to try to cup him through his boxers. 

His hand closes around your wrist to stop you. “Lola, you don’t have to do that.”

“I know I don’t,” you say, placing a wet kiss on his neck. “But I want to.” You try again, but he pulls your hand away. 

“I know what you’re doing, and I appreciate it,” John says. “But I’d rather our last sexual experience have been you handcuffing me to our bed. Not a pity handy.”

“That’s not what this is,” you tell him. “And I’m offended you would think that. I just…” You sigh heavily. “I just want to make you feel good before we never see each other again.” 

“You already have,” John assures you, fingers tucking your hair behind your ear. “Lola, you have fought by my side when everyone else gave up on me. You never expected me to give more than I could offer. Even if we lived to be ninety, I still wouldn’t have enough time to repay you.”

“Then let me help you,” comes your final plea. “John, I’m begging you. And I don’t do that easily.”

“Don’t I know it, love,” John smirks. “I have wasted a lot of time and stamina trying to make you beg.”

“Stop it, I’m serious,” you say with a frown.

“I know you are. Love, you’re a fighter,” John says. “It’s one of the many things I love about you. But there are some fights you can’t win. I won’t let you give up your life to try. I love you too much. Merc needs her mum, more than she needs me.”

“But I need you.”

John’s eyes soften and you can tell he wants to smile, but he doesn’t. “You’re strong,” he says. “Stronger than you have every right to be. You will move on.”

“No, I won’t.” 

John draws you into a hug. You bury your face in his chest, trying to commit the feeling of him hugging you to memory. The tears threaten to fall, but you don’t let them. You’ve spent too much time crying the last few days. You don’t want your last night together to be filled with tears.

“I don’t take much stock in this whole ‘soulmate’ business,” John says, stroking your hair. “But, if we’re going by the definition of the word, and the fact that we literally shared souls for a period of time...then I’m honored to have been yours.”

You cling to him tighter. Why can’t everything just stop? Why can’t you and John live your lives with Mercury while everyone remains frozen in time?

Your baby starts to cry and the moment is lost. You untangle yourself from John and sit up. “Duty calls,” you say, trying not to sound choked up. You get Merc from her bassinet and bring her into bed. John watches you with a small smile. 

“Hm, she’s not hungry or wet,” you announce after a few minutes. “What’s going on, Sweet Pea?” 

She struggles against the blanket she’s swaddled in and you unwrap her so she can stretch. 

“Just like her mother,” John comments. “Won’t be restrained.”

You chuckle sleepily. “I guess so.” Turning to face John, you lay Merc between the both of you. He reaches out to touch her soft curls. “Penny for your thoughts?”

“I’m just in awe I suppose,” John admits. “Still can’t believe something so beautiful and innocent came from me.”

“Tell me about it,” you agree. “I can’t believe I get to keep her this time.”

John’s eyes are filled with sorrow, even when Merc closes her tiny hand around his finger. “I’m happy one of us does.” 

He begins to hum a tune, one you have heard before, but never from him. You settle in for sleep, bringing the blanket up to cover the three of you. 

John continues to stroke Mercury’s hair and soon he starts to sing. “So long to all my friends, everyone of them met tragic ends, with every passing day, I’d be lying if I didn’t say, that I miss them all tonight, and if they only knew what I would say if I, could be with you tonight, I would sing you to sleep, never let them take the light behind your eyes, one day I’ll lose this fight, as we fade in the dark,   
just remember you will always burn as bright.”

You close your eyes, focusing on the sound of John’s voice. The night passes in a haze of breastfeeding, diaper changes and some sleep. 

The next morning, you barely feel the exhaustion through the overwhelming sadness. Chas and Renee load your bags into the cab. Merc’s stuff will be picked up the next day by a moving company, since John had made it impossible to bring it all in one trip. 

John stands by the couch, arms crossed as he watches you snap Mercury into her car seat. Your hands are shaking so bad, you can’t do the clasp. Silently, John comes over to help. 

“Have everything?” he asks after several long moments of silence. 

You nod solemnly. “Yeah,” you manage to say. “I think so. I’ll give you two a moment.”

You step away from the table where her car seat is placed, trying hard not to break down. He speaks to your daughter in a low voice for a few seconds before leaning forward to give her a kiss on the forehead. 

Now it’s your turn.

You fling your arms around John and he holds you tightly. Lips find each other’s and urgent kisses take priority over breathing. Your tongue plunges into his mouth, trying to taste every crevice. John tries to end the kiss to say something, but you won’t let him, chasing him for more until he gently takes your face in his hands. 

Panting, you place your hands over his. “John, it’s not fair!” you begin to sob. “This can’t be how our story ends.”

John’s trying not to cry as he presses his forehead to yours. “Not all love stories have happy endings,” he says.

“I don't want to go,” you gasp.

John goes in for a few more kisses. You can feel him trembling which makes you cling to him even tighter. “I don't want you to go either, my love,” he whispers. “Do you still have the ring?” You nod, gasping for breath. “Keep it for me, yeah? Wear it sometimes. Give it to her. I don't have anything else to leave. Just…” He breaks off, sounding choked up.

“I would have stayed with you,” you tell him, tears running down your cheeks. “All the way to the end.”

“I know,” John whispers back. “I know you would have. I love you, so much.”

“I love you too. Always.”

The final kiss is quick, because you know if you draw it out, Chas would have to pry you away. You abruptly break all contact with John and side step around him to pick up Merc. You carry her to the stairs, but before you go up, you pause to look back at John. He’s exactly where you left him. He gives you a feeble smile and blows you a kiss, which you return before forcing yourself up the stairs. 

You’re almost to the front door when a loud yell and crash makes your steps falter. When you hear more crashing, you realize what’s going on and you take a deep breath, trying to stop yourself from turning and running back to him. Looking down, you see Mercury’s wide eyes watching you and you know what you have to do. You wipe the tears with your sleeve before you walk out the door to the Mill house. 

“Goodbye, Johnny.” 

**Author's Note:**

> The song John sings is The Light Behind You Eyes by My Chemical Romance, speaking of:
> 
> Coming Up Next  
> The Light Behind Your Eyes (E) - After sending you and Mercury away, John takes a drug induced trip down memory lane, going all the way back to the day you first met. With the people he loves finally safe, he summons the First and faces his fate. John’s POV.


End file.
